How to Talk to People Who Don't Want to Listen

Connecting in an Angry, Disconnected World

So far, this summer is not feeling like a beach blankety, backyard barbecue, racing to the ice cream truck, sipping Arnold Palmers with friends kind of summer. It is feeling angry, disconnected and scary out there. It is feeling “everything’s OK, except for you know, the world…” Which is why out of the three posts I started writing over the last few weeks, I kept turning back to this idea of communication.

For anyone dealing with oppositional young people, emotionally dysregulated partners, friends who get their news on social media—people who are generally challenging to talk to—here are seven communication tools that can open the door to conversation and connection at home—and out and about in community with others.

1. Timing, timing, timing. Some people, not naming names, do not want to talk to anyone before their morning coffee and newspaper. Others don’t want to have real conversation at the end of the day when they’re winding down and desperately hoping to sleep without intrusive thoughts. Certain young men who live in my house will freak out if I dare to speak during a Love Island binge-fest…

   
   It can be difficult in the best of times to find a good sliver of time to talk. If substance use is in the mix, ensuring that moment in time occurs when someone is not under the influence is an additional challenge. But timing is important when you want to be heard.

   
   How to find that “green light” moment? Some parents will have great spontaneous conversations with their kids when they’re driving. When Nathanael was using, I would often walk with him at night while he smoked his bedtime joint—when he was relaxed but not high and conversation—with no agenda other than connecting—flowed. When I want to have a heavier-than-usual conversation, I might make a date: “Tell me when would be a good time over the next few days to talk for 30 minutes.” If you are feeling the need to converse, be sure it’s happening at a time when your loved one is receptive.

2. Listen. Truly the most important part of communicating is to actually listen. I’m a talker and I get how hard it is to shut up. Active listening is a giant step up from being quiet and taking turns. It’s about really make your door-slamming teen, your distracted spouse, your frenemy, your mother-in-law—whoever you are talking to—feel understood.
   
   An active listener will:

   Reflect. Restate for clarity what you think you heard, emphasizing whatever seems most important. When AI chatbots reflect, it’s annoying. Actual humans should aim for more of a nuanced, thoughtful rephrasing to ensure you’ve captured the essence of what someone is expressing.
   It sounds like you’re really struggling with anxiety.

   Affirm. Hone in on something positive, even if the overall vibe of the conversation is not that. An affirmation does not begin with “at least…” It should not diminish or distract from someone’s suffering. A good affirmation will gently steer the affirmed in a positive, productive direction by reminding them of their strengths.
   You seem very attuned to what does and doesn’t help to calm you.

   Ask open ended questions. Gather more information while demonstrating genuine curiosity and caring. Questions that can not be answered with a yes or no have no right or wrong answer, creating an opportunity for connection and better understanding without fear of judgment. I wrote an entire post about open-ended questions which you should check out if communication is an issue and really because I can not overstate the power of asking good questions + listening. Some examples of open-ended questions that may resonate if you have a child who is struggling:

   What makes you feel anxious?

   When or where do you feel good?
   How does it feel when you smoke, drink, use [fill in the blank] substance of choice?
   
   Note the lack of judgment in these questions, the curiosity, and the invitation to explore together. That’s what you’re going for.

3. Don’t try to fix. It’s a parent-reflex to offer up solutions when your child comes to you with a problem. Some of us reflexively try to fix everyone’s problems. What may be a caring instinct can also be incredibly irritating or, worse yet, habit-forming. The right thing to say when your child or someone you care about is hurting, angry, or frustrated and shares that with you?

   That must be really hard.
   Tell me how I can help.
   Or say nothing at all and offer up a hug or your quiet companionship.

4. Acknowledge the other person has a reasonable point—even (especially) when you disagree. If you are looking to persuade someone of something, or addressing any sort of conflict, you can’t go in with an “I’m right, you’re wrong, here’s why” attitude or you will get exactly nowhere. How quickly do you shut down when someone comes at you as if you just don’t understand, or surely you’d agree with them?
   
   Canvassing on NYC primary day provided a fascinating case study for me. The guy who told me to go f—k myself because he didn’t like my candidate? I didn’t think “OMG you’re so right!” I told him “right back at you!”

   
   Contrast that with the woman who told me she had already voted for a different mayoral candidate but was curious to know why I was supporting mine. I said, “I can totally understand why you would like X! He’s really strong on this, that and the other thing. Here’s why I like Y.” And we had the most civil and interesting conversation in which we each learned something about each other, our values, and our respective favored candidates. I would even go as far as to say we were moved a bit closer to the other’s line of thinking. That is exactly the kind of conversation we want to have! Some examples for opening lines that may resonate for your circumstances:
   

   I totally understand how drinking makes it easier to relax when you’re at a party.

   I get that quitting cold turkey can seem extreme.
   
   Once you concede that your loved one’s behaviors make sense to you, anything that you say next will actually be considered because you’ve made them feel respected. You’ve pro-actively dismantled the wall that would have gone up if you made them feel defensive or judged.

5. Don’t speak (or act) out of fear or anger.
   We are not our best selves when we are angry or afraid. That is one of the reasons self-care is so important, and also why its best to take a pause, go for a walk, give yourself an hour to recalibrate rather than escalating a tense situation. The pause is also a great tool for your kids to learn to use by seeing you model it. If you are ever feeling fight, flight or freeze-y (as we do in times of stress), you can always, alway say “I need to take a break before we continue this conversation.” And if someone lets you know they want to take a moment, back off. Our more reflective, intentional selves do a much better job communicating when we’re calm.

6. Do speak from a place of love. When I give communications workshops, people will often want to script a conversation or will worry over words to ensure they are phrasing something in a nonjudgmental, open-ended way, and that is great. But really the most important thing is to speak from a place of love which is reflected not just in our words but also in our facial expression and body language. The context and content of our communication matters.

7. Apologize if you mess up. Even if we’ve mastered every communication tool in every book, we all say and do things we regret. A good apology goes a long way towards healing and repair. (Apologizing can be so powerful and healing that I wrote an entire post about how to get it right.)
   
   At the same time, a bad apology can do even more damage. The worst apologies include some version of the phrase “it wasn’t my intention.” Making it about intention rather than consequences centers the offender rather than the person who has been harmed. That kind of sorry-not-sorry apology was rampant when men were called out during #MeToo, wielded like a “get out of jail free” card of the privileged and wow I’m getting wound up and need to take a little break to restore my equilibrium.
   

   I know, I know it’s not easy.

   I get that the concept of having a normal conversation can seem impossible when our kids breeze past with their headphones on; when they are locked in their rooms or glued to their phones or perpetually high; when you can’t quite remember when you last saw them. Conversations don’t have to have an agenda other than to build connection, to make the people in your corner of the world feel seen, heard, and understood. To make you feel seen, heard, and understood. My wish upon a summer dandelion: That we will make America kind, compassionate, and communicative again, one conversation at a time.

   A few resources

   Learn how to access and speak from your Wiser Self! Download this free guide, Conscious Parenting Struggling Teens—A Path Forward by my insightful warrior mama friend and conscious parenting coach Catherine Borgman-Arboleda. It offers a science-informed, heart-centered path rooted in Conscious Parenting.

   
   Ezra Klein is one of my favorite podcasters and you might not think this interview with Sarah McBride, the first openly transgender member of Congress, is about communication, but I was so intrigued by the way she talks about our tendency to alienate would-be allies by demanding total agreement, by excluding rather than including. I learned so much about how to find common ground when people seem to be so far apart, and you may too.

   
   If communications are a bit tripped up in your home and you’d like to explore a therapeutic coaching session for yourself or your family, reach out to me at julie@recoveryworksny.com.

   Take good care,

   
   Julie
   recoveryworksny.com