Nathanael's Insights on Recovery

Part 1

One of the things I did to educate myself about addiction (and cheer myself up when Nathanael was struggling) was to read recovery memoirs. I wanted to understand what it felt like to live inside the head of someone who was in thrall to cravings for substance, someone who enjoyed being out of control, in a mind-altered state. I needed to learn about risk-takers who did not know from moderation—people utterly unlike me. I also appreciated hearing from people who had made it out the other end, who could tell their stories in the past tense, even as I understood that recovery is ongoing, not an endpoint. I needed to remind myself that most people who struggle with addiction do eventually recover—and I love a good recovery story.

Now that Nathanael has been living his own recovery story for nearly 16 months, I’ve restrained myself from asking him many of the things I was eager to know about his sobriety. I didn’t want to ruin a good thing, wanted to just give him time and space to process. And also, it’s a relief to have normal conversation with my son where open-ended questions aren’t a ploy to learn about his relationship with substance but an opportunity to hear what he has to say about politics, his friends, what he’s reading and where he wants to travel next…

But after he came home from working as a counselor at Free Spirit Experience in Cyprus, I interviewed him so we could share some insights in this space, where you have so patiently come along for our ride. This is Part 1—with more to come.

Question: What do you think is the most important thing for parents to understand when they have a child who struggles with addiction?

Answer: Parents need to understand that addiction is a family issue and it’s not just on their kid to “get better.” Parents have to do the work too, learning how to be supportive instead of punishing. They need to try to understand why their child is using and they shouldn’t take it personally. Kids aren’t punishing their parents. They’re not being bad. When kids use drugs, they’re usually having a really hard time. They’re traumatized, anxious or depressed. They have social anxiety or feel lonely. They’re confused about who they are—and with all of the pressure to succeed in mainstream ways (such as doing well in school) and the isolation they’re dealing with when they don’t succeed, they figured out a way to make themselves feel better.

Sending someone to treatment isn’t going to help longer term if things don’t change when that person comes home. When parents are punishing or judgmental, it makes their kids want to use more, not less. When parents pressure their kids to stay sober, their kids can feel like none of their progress is being recognized, like it’s all or nothing. And that feeling may make them want to use again.

Being understanding and supportive and actually learning about addiction is the most important thing parents can do.

Thirty percent of people in long term recovery list family support as the top reason for their success. See resources at the bottom of this post to learn how to be a good helper.

Q : What is the thing you wish you could have told me when you were struggling?

A: I was so angry back then because I felt like you totally didn’t understand me. I had heart-racing, mind-spinning thoughts all the time. I would lay awake at night worrying. I kept telling you how anxious I felt but you didn’t get it, maybe because you’re not an anxious person. The first time I smoked weed was the first time I actually felt calm. Of course I smoked more, and more. And then you got mad at me. You kept punishing me! Now it sounds crazy, but in my mind, I actually felt like you must not love me because you didn’t want me to feel good.

I tried to explain that to you at the time, but you didn’t really listen. You know what happened next and it wasn’t good. I felt like I was taking care of the problem you didn’t take care of for me or with me. When Tamir explained that to you, everything changed for us.

Tamir was the therapeutic director of the immersive therapeutic program Nathanael attended and more recently worked as a counselor. When Nathanael first began using drugs, I really had no idea what was going on. I knew he was using, but his personality had completely transformed and I had convinced myself that the drugs made him angry and oppositional. That’s not what actually happened: It was my response to his using that led to oppositional defiant behavior. I detailed this dynamic—which took us 18 months to untangle—in this post. I thought the story started with his use, but really it had started much earlier with his undiagnosed, untreated anxiety.

Q: We know that one of the keys to sobriety is finding healthy substitutes for unhealthy behaviors. Tell me about the healthy replacements you found to help manage your anxiety.

A: Definitely exercise. A lot of people in recovery turn to exercise and it’s a great substitute for drugs for so many reasons. Exercise releases endorphins which make you feel good. Happier. Working out can give you structure if you build it into your routine, and community if you play a team sport or work out with friends. Many of my friends play basketball and I usually go to the gym with my brothers. People talk about finding a sober community and that’s hard to do when you’re young. Almost all of my friends still drink or smoke. But playing pick-up basketball is something we can do together that doesn’t revolve around substance use.

For kids who are good athletes, playing a sport well can give them a feeling of accomplishment. I always felt that way about basketball—it was great for my confidence. Even when I was still using, I would get my act together for basketball season. Exercise also gives you a sense of control and there is built-in positive reinforcement: You start to look better and feel stronger.

The only possible down side to exercise is I’ve also seen some young people develop body image issues or go overboard with exercise, lifting weights fanatically, restricting calories, living on protein shakes... People who struggle with addiction don’t really do anything in moderation. There’s a lot of cross-over between body dysmorphia and addiction. But I still encourage people to play a sport or go to the gym when they are trying to stop using drugs. It was and is a big part of my own recovery.

Q: Now that you’re helping younger teens who are having a hard time, what advice do you give them? And how do they react?

A: When I did my first in-patient treatment at Hazelden, they explained the science behind addiction. I remember being so upset when I learned that taking drugs had made it harder for me to experience pleasure naturally. That really stuck with me and actually made me angry about taking benzos. So I’ll tell teenagers how the brain naturally releases dopamine when we do things that are good for us—when we eat a good meal or exercise, the brain releases dopamine so that we’ll do those healthy things again, to get the reward. Drugs totally screw up that system by flooding us with feel-good chemicals. We get used to these much higher levels of dopamine and then nothing other than drugs can make us feel good anymore because only drugs will cause the brain to release that much dopamine. But then we also develop tolerance, so soon we need more and more of whatever drug to give us that same feeling. So we think that drugs are making us feel good, but they are actually robbing us of the ability to feel good naturally.

That bit of science hit me really hard. When you’re high all the time, it’s hard to hold that information in your head and even harder to act on it. But the kids I work with know that I was just like them. I smoked every single day of my high school years. And if they’re not already in that place, I tell them that eventually it stops being fun, it stops feeling good. If some 21 year-old sober guy had told me the same thing when I was in high school, I probably wouldn’t have listened at that moment. But I would have remembered what he said, just like I always remembered that science lesson from Hazelden. And then when I was ready to quit, I knew that if I could just get through that first month, the first 6 weeks or so, my brain would start to learn how to feel happy again. It’s not like the teenagers I work with are like “thank you so much, now I’ll quit.” But I know they’re taking it in.

When I was a teenager, I was convinced that I wasn’t actually addicted to drugs. For a very long time, I was convinced I would be able to smoke weed moderately, maybe just on weekends or just a little bit every now and then. But every experiment led to me using more than I intended. I just was not wired in a way where I could have a little and walk away. I was an addict. I know a lot of teens think they are invincible and in control, so I will let them know I get it, and that we are just not those people who can smoke a little bit. We don’t control weed. It controls us.

The Question I Didn’t Ask

Nathanael is not yet ready to publicly delve into the very first question I asked when I started asking questions: Why did you finally decide to quit? On his soberversary, I discussed what I had observed. When he’s ready, he will share his version of events.

If you have questions for Nathanael, please reply to this email and send them our way. We’ll tackle some of them in our next installment.

I hope this was helpful!

Resources

Nathanael was interviewed for and featured in last week’s NY Times article on the dangers of marijuana.

If you want to learn how to provide the kind of family support Nathanael found so helpful:

Read The Invitation to Change by Jeffrey Foote PhD, Kenneth Carpenter PhD, and Carrie Wilkens PhD and listen to the Center for Motivation and Change podcast, Rethinking Rock Bottom.

Brenda Zane’s Hopestream podcast offers a wealth of insight for parents.

Brad Reedy is another icon in the field. His book, The Journey of the Heroic Parent is a wonderful resource as is his podcast, Finding You.

Drugfree.org has loads of resources for families impacted by addiction.

This post reviews evidence-based methods that work, and this one explores the journey to recovery.

Take good care,

Julie and Nathanael

Recoveryworksny.com